Miss Indpendent: A Rehab Program

Continuing with my theme of musical titles, this one combines Kelly Clarkson with Amy Winehouse. I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with that, but here it goes anyway.

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I'm a bit of a junkie when it comes to individuality and independence. I want to live on my own, function on my own, have my own accomplishments and my own failures. I don't ask for help on my term papers, no matter how badly I need it (my apologies to my advisor for my Master's thesis. I must have driven him crazy.) I even gave up on doubles tennis in high school for singles, just so I wouldn't have anyone else to blame if I lost.

I'm told that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Of course, it's not that independence is an inherently bad thing. America's very culture dictates that we learn a measure of independence in order to fit into our societal norms (and isn't that a contradiction.) Our parents hate it, our employers love it, and our peers secretly judge us if we don't have as much of it as they think is proper. We are required to think and function on our own to some degree or another in order to be acceptable to the social standard. Furthermore, a healthy level of independence can empower you to step away from that very group in favor of doing what is best for you.

That said, there are cases when you can go too far. Independence then becomes stubborn obstinacy: a.k.a. "the pigheaded refusal to accept help when it is offered or needed." I hereby present myself as Exhibit A.

Weight loss is something I have been trying to do on my own, thus far. Unsurprisingly, this has been less than successful. Yes, the concept of a life remix is very much a personal journey. It is something no one else can do for you. But that doesn't mean that they can't do it with you. To refuse assistance from the people and resources around you is to live in denial: "they can't see my problem. And anyway, they wouldn't understand. I'm alone." Kids, I'm here to say that they can see the problem. It's written on our faces. And our thighs, and our hips, and our stomachs, and our waistlines. But contrary to what we might think, the people that really matter don't care that it's a problem. They just love us enough to want to be a positive part of the experience.

This is why I'm confessing this particular sin. I've been shutting people out in an effort to adhere to my normal "do-it-yourself" mode of operation. No more. I'm never going to do this if I'm not honest with not only myself, but with everyone in my life, as well.

Which of course, brings me to the "how-to" part of this entry. Goodness knows I don't have all the answers, but here are a few ideas that I intend on following.

Get an exercise buddy. It's harder than it sounds (because not everyone is going to be at the same level as you, particularly if you're as overweight as I am.) However, it's a great way to stave off boredom and to keep yourself accountable. If you don't do it, you're letting someone else down. A measured dose of well-placed guilt can be your friend.

Call your family. Or, if you don't like your family, phone a friend instead. Let them know how you're doing. They want to know, and it will help you to get it off your chest and help you keep momentum. If they're proud, you'll want to keep going. They'll support you, they'll cheer you on. And if they don't, hang up on them. Seriously. This part is important.

Subscribe to a Fitness/Nutrition Magazine. Yeah, I can't do this one either. I'm too poor. But if you pick one up off a rack at the grocery store every now and again, it can give you a boost. Cooking Light, Weight Watchers, and Fitness are good examples. I did this yesterday, and reading through the articles honestly helped fill my brain with fresh ideas. As an added bonus, you can use any latent insecurity to your advantage! Let's face it, some of us worry about people looking in our carts at the grocery store. Myself included. And if you have an issue of Cooking Light sharing cart space with a heap of junk food, you will be judged. (After all, everyone thinks they're a nutrition expert.) Okay, so this isn't the best means. But think of it this way: when you get home, your house will be filled with healthy food. I can't really argue with that.

Become well-read about health. Staying connected isn't just about people. It's about using the world around you to boost your ability to keep going. Those annoying health blogs (heh) and stupid self-help books can become your friend. Find one that doesn't irritate the living daylights out of you and stick with it. (This is me speaking from personal experience, since most health books make me feel somewhat like a Care Bear.)

Learn to love technology. If you live in the middle of nowhere (like me), supportive people don't exactly abound. That means no Weight Watchers meetings, no T'ai chi classes, and your neighbors only complain to the postmaster behind your back about the amount of garbage in your yard when they've never met you (it was left over from the bathroom remodel before we moved in and we cleaned it up as soon as we got there, thank you very much.) But the beauty of it is, even I have internet. And a cell phone (with questionable reception.) I can find my support group all over the world, if necessary.

Join a program! As I think I've mentioned several times, I am a health and nutrition moron. Not only does a fitness or nutrition program help you become educated, it helps you become connected, whether that's through physical meetings or through online forums (both of which, admittedly, can get a bit whiny.) I know, monetary commitments once again. But they're not all expensive, and it's really worth it to not try and go cold turkey. Trying to lose weight without any sort of help or education on the topic is rather like trying to land a 747 as a passenger. Unless you're really lucky, you'll probably crash. All that said, please do your research before getting involved with something. Not all paths to weight loss are healthy ones.

One thing I intend on keeping up is this blog. I still firmly believe that it's been good for me, and if people keep reading and having talks with me, it will continue to be good for me. Thank you so much for reading and helping me to not be my own personal island.

Cry Freedom: Rebelling Against Misery, Social Norms and Stupid Plush Toys

Ah, February. The month that doesn't feel like winter and doesn't feel like Spring. The bastard 28-day page on the calendar, the keeper of the dreaded Singles' Awareness Day and the month where you can't walk into Target without being nauseated by the sight of cheesy plush toys as far as the eye can see. Even the warmer weather -- and therefore the inevitable sleeveless shirt and short ensemble -- is right around the corner. It's a great month for getting in shape.

It's an even better month for getting fat.

Seriously, folks. The "new year smell" of January has worn off, leaving us with the same old stench of normality. Sweets and chocolate and those little candy hearts that everyone likes to eat but no one actually knows what they're made out of -- except maybe pure sugar. During Valentine's Day, many singles (such as myself) order pizza and ice cream with other girls and watch the Lethal Weapon movies out of sheer, stubborn rebellion.

Okay, so maybe I'm alone on the Lethal Weapon thing.

However, February is a month of social awareness. Whether you're hooking up, breaking up, or pointedly ignoring the whole romantic charade, it's there. And social awareness can often lead to a change in habits. For some, it's wanting to fit into that little sundress or the gown you're going to wear on your date. For others, it's saying "screw it, I'm done with you all. My only true friends are Ben and Jerry."

So in a month of potential extremes, why choose now to get myself back on track? Perhaps it's the weather. Maybe it's me wanting to look better in a bathing suit this year (see a previous post about the Swimsuit Blues.) Or maybe... maybe it's just a matter of sheer, stubborn rebellion. Now that I think on it, I'm nearly certain that it's this last. I've had enough. Enough of being certain every February that something is wrong with me because I haven't met someone. Enough of saying that the newness of January has passed me by, and so I've missed the proverbial bus of New Years' resolutions. And enough of being miserable because I don't meet my own astronomical standards. Who on earth needs something as arbitrary as a calendrical change to figure out that their lives could be different? I haven't missed the bus. I'm just walking to the beat of my own drum. I can't put it off anymore, it's only making me frustrated, miserable (and angsty) all over again. Screw it, I'm done waiting for someone or something else to pull me back up.

The future is no place to place your better days.