I used to feel that writing a blog was something I did for myself. That it didn't matter if anyone read it, so long as I wrote it down and held myself accountable. And that's probably how it should have been.
Unfortunately, it's not.
I find that it's so much more difficult to keep this up - and by extension, keep the motivation to lose weight - when I feel that I'm talking to myself. Which isn't a condemnation of anyone who might be reading this. Not in the least. I guess I just wanted accountability. To feel like I wasn't going at this entirely alone. Like I had a real reason to keep at it. And now, all the logical reasons in the world - health, vibrance, being able to walk in heels - don't mean as much. I can tell myself over and over again, and it's impossible to care. In short, I've discovered beyond the shadow of a doubt that I can't do this alone. Unfortunately, I'm at a place in my life that nearly by definition, I am living without a support system. Which led to my internet experiment.
In the morning, I make a new commitment. I try again. And by each evening, I have failed spectacularly. I'm not giving up, but I find that I want to. I know how important it is, but I can't do it without a reason that resonates, without people to help me. And I don't have... anyone. It's a hard truth, and I don't mean to sound depressing. But I can't even go to Weight Watchers meetings, because they're too far away from where I live, and I can't afford the gas to go every week. I'm out of ideas.
That's it. That's the heart of the matter. No man, no woman is an island. I can spout all the feel-good words in the world, but it won't matter in the end unless I can find a way to get the support that I need and take ownership of this once and for all. It's not that I'm depending on someone else to do it for me. It's just that community is important when you're making a life change.
Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to get back on track. And I don't know how - or who - to ask for help.
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Oh Jami I wish I could help! I've been sucking at keeping in touch with you too :( Have you tried Spark People at all? It's probably not much better than any other internet form of accountability, but who knows? Maybe it'll make the difference. Public goal setting has been good for me too. Especially when people join me and if I know I'm going to feel really guilty about having to admit I screwed up. Let's chat soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot, Beth, that's a great idea. I hadn't heard about that site, but I'm looking at it now. I do want to keep in better touch, but don't feel bad at all. I was just in a really foul mood. But the upside? My epic grumpitude over the whole situation has been leading me to try harder instead of give up.
ReplyDeleteThat's got to be a good sign, right?