Tips For Support Systems (Don't Shoot the Messenger)

It's almost as hard to support someone who's losing weight as it is to take the plunge yourself. You love them, and want the best for them. Maybe you have weight issues yourself and aren't ready to face them. Or maybe you're naturally rail-thin and energetic. Most likely... you're somewhere in between. And so you live through the moodiness, the hard work, you try to encourage them when they're up and support them when they're down. You are one of the things that makes their progress possible.

But let's face it. You're not them. Even if you're losing weight yourself, you're not in the same place as they are. Coming from a new perspective can be a very positive thing. However, it can also mean that you don't end up being so helpful as you'd like to be. So with love and affection in my heart, I have a few pointers for those who are trying to act as a support system for someone on the path to weight loss.

1) Know them. Be cognizant of their needs and of their personality. You won't always respond in the way they need, but realizing that "Sally doesn't respond well to criticism" or "Daren is a perfectionist" will help you handle things in a more positive and productive fashion.

2) On the same vein... be aware that they may not handle things like you would. Not only are their bodies different, their minds are different. They may be discouraged by something that would encourage you. They may not want to use the same exercise methods that you enjoy. Their pounds may not melt off by sticking to certain kinds of foods because their metabolism functions differently. And that's okay.

3) Remember that it isn't personal. You are incredible for helping them through one of the hardest things they've ever done. But when it comes to their weight loss, it's not about you. It's about their bodies. Their minds. And since they are going through a gigantic change... be aware that if they rail against you, they'll come back and apologize. But try to let it go and love them anyway.

4) When they've had a bad day... remember that no one wants negative reinforcement. If they've just gained a pound back, it is always better to say "I'm sorry... I know you can get back on track. Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need to talk about it?" Or something like that. Be positive. Do not take the opportunity to tell them what you see they've been doing wrong or to correct their perspective on X nutritional issue. There's a time and a place for that, but it's not now. Whether you realize it or not, you're kicking them when they're down. Even if you think you're being encouraging. You're not.

5) Never talk negatively about their body, even if it's only the body that used to be there. If they've lost fifty pounds, it is not okay to say "I'm so glad you've lost all that weight. I always hated watching you eat." (Forgive the extreme example, it came to the top of my head.) Regardless, it's a quick way to get yourself slapped. It's sort of like badmouthing someone's ex. Even if they never get back together, it's a dangerous business to insult something that used to be a part of you.

6) Tough love is one thing. Accountability is fine. But know their breaking point. Chances are, they already know what the problem is if something is going wrong. There's no need to reiterate that you know their problem too.

7) Let them talk. Sometimes, it's not about the advice you can give. I know you want to help, but sometimes they want to vent. Know the difference.


Now, everyone involves themselves in different ways. Sometimes it's a family member walking with you or helping you out. Sometimes it's a life coach. A roommate. That disgustingly thin friend that eats more and exercises less than anyone you know -- you know, the one whose metabolism you want to bottle and sell (with a free lifetime supply to yourself.) You might be the person with them through it all, or just the person they call to cry to. And those are all great. Thank you for what you do.

But try to remember that the wrong type of help is no help at all. We all need someone to go to when we're making hard decisions or rough changes. But it's better to go it alone than to have people who aren't as supportive as they think they are -- especially when they don't understand why.