It's strange. I don't feel much like Oscar Wilde as I sit here, contemplating what to say. It's dark, and I should probably be in bed, considering I have to be up early to drive home for work tomorrow. But I just don't want to go.
I know that this blog was supposed to be about my journey through weight loss. Remixing my life. Honestly, I thought that in this new life, in the little community I've been serving in... I would be able to focus on this journey of mine. Pop back onto the scene a year later and 50+ pounds down, ready to keep the momentum going and thoroughly addicted to the rush that a healthy lifestyle brings. Instead, I found isolation and depression.
Neither of which is terribly condusive to aforementioned healthy lifestyle.
No, I'm not writing excuses. I've somehow managed to keep off the first ten pounds, by the grace of God alone. But I'm having the hardest time getting myself out of this slump. It's not even my weight. It's the isolation of living in a town of 120 people who only plaster on superficial smiles and then act rude and entitled when you show signs of having your own life and schedule, when you try to accomodate other people than just them -- or even if you simply don't serve them on a silver platter, no effort or responsibility required on their part. Where there are no people my age aside from my roommate and a select few souls that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole (i.e. the people that run the "medicinal marijuana farms" in town) and everyone holds me at a distance because I'm just going to leave. And the sad part is, I like it that way. Because with some of what I've seen over the last few months, I've realized I don't actually want any part in it. And the worst part is that there's just no escape within a two-hour drive. All I can do at the end of my four-day work week is attempt to make myself busy so I'm not saturated in whatever it is that's threatening to bog me down.
Somehow, in all of that... the remix falls silent as I struggle to keep my head above water.
Don't worry, I'm not exactly writing my Heilegenstadt Testament. (For those of you who are looking at me like I'm nuts, that's the suicide note Beethoven wrote before deciding mid-letter that he would live on for his art.) I just felt I owed it to those of you who might still be checking back every now and again to know what's going on. And honestly... to ask for a little help in return. Some of you who have talked to me about this blog have said that I've inspired you. I thank you for those wonderful sentiments, and I apologize sincerely for having stepped back. But truthfully, I could use all the inspiration I can get right now.
If anyone is still listening, I'm all ears.
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No one dreads loneliness like I do, so I seriously feel for you! I don't know where you are or the longevity of your situation, but I can still offer encouraging words.
ReplyDeleteYou worked to change yourself for the better so that you could experience your life in a better way. Perhaps think about the fact that all 120 people in your town never knew you any differently than you are now. Besides that, you are experiencing your life with them as someone who has changed, and they don't know that it could have been any different. I often think about this when I deal with people who haven't met me before. What must I seem like that could be different than I used to seem because I take better care of myself now? You should challenge yourself to do something exercise oriented. For one, it will be yours and no one else can touch it. For another, exercise releases happy hormones and you'll just feel better!
Hope that helps :)
Jami, the people who make you feel like less if you don't work on pleasing them DO NOT matter. (Even if they're linked to your job, especially if they're linked to your job! You are allowed to clock out.) Focusing on yourself is not the same as being selfish, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
ReplyDeleteIf you were sold on the idea of approaching LC as an escape/fresh start/cocoon where you would eventually emerge from metamorphosed, then you need to focus simply on what that cocoon can do for you. You've got no fast food temptations, which I personally envy!
And if isolation depresses you, reach out in the ways that you can: your blog, your fb, your phone. Look forward to weekends where you can plan trips to spend time with people you like. Be grateful that a 2hr drive is all it takes to reconnect. (it could be a 6hr drive, or a full day of airport navigation!) Once you get out of your car, go for a walk with your favorite people. Walks are great for talks. And talks are great for putting your mood back in the positive.
I know that first comment was lengthy enough, but I just want add two more cents:
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, not every single day has to be about progressing. As long as when you move, the direction is forward, you can feel free to just stand still on the path every now and again. You've kept off the first ten pounds, that's really really good.
Secondly, related to above... when moving forward feels like too much effort, and standing still is totally easy, it's sooo hard to return to moving. Thus your slump. BUT! Monday is the first of a new month, and I'm picking that day as the END of my own slump. Join me. =)
Thanks, Beth and Julie. I'm definitely better than I was last week, that's for sure. I've been getting out more and doing things for me. Like burning candles, reading. The going is slow, but I'm really okay. I didn't mean to get all emo on everyone. :)
ReplyDeleteHonestly, what's strange is that when I DID live a full day's air navigation away from everyone I knew, I didn't have this problem. There were still people around I didn't know, constantly. I could converse with strangers and get to know the people I was around. It worked out. Here, the issue lies in that I haven't found that compensation, or even those people on the peripheral. Just strange to think about.
In any case, I really am doing better. I'll just keep plugging away and it'll be just fine.
To Feb. 1, the end of slumps.